Personal traits sometimes fall out of their sweet spots and cease to be helpful qualities. Take, for example, the colleague who goes out of their way to show interest in others but reveals little about themselves. His conversations feel more like interviews than dialogues. Rather than being seen as gracious, he’s at risk of being experienced as closed-off or withholding. His inclination for generosity misses its sweet spot, and its intended effect falls flat. The examples are endless. Let’s review a few.

Her husband complains about not getting enough action in bed, yet offers little help with the kids or the housework. In the workplace, his employees are criticized for being under-engaged, yet he hasn’t taken the time to learn anything about their strengths and priorities. With friends, he only talks about himself, yet wonders why he wasn’t invited to be in the foursome at the charity golf outing. From his perspective, his wife, his coworkers, and his buddies are the problem. But they’re all trying to find a way to hold up a mirror so he can see what they see.

In this week of gratitude sharing, we are all at risk of diluting our ‘thank you’ expressions. It’s as though we’ve saved them up for the holiday and they come pouring out in large volume. When you say any word enough times, it begins to lose its meaning. Yet, we are deeply grateful for the gifts of human connection, the beauty of the universe, and simple good fortune. As you communicate your appreciation, make the most of your moment.

Whether at home, at the workplace, or out with friends, all of our connections live within a proximity to us that we choose. Those who are let into the inner circle are typically the most trusted and have the most extensive relationship history. Those most distant have either earned the need for arms-length or haven’t yet proven their welcome closer to the center. Over time, our connections move in and out, nearer and further, as events unfold that justify their position. However that plays out, each of us is in charge of who populates our concentric circles and where in our personal ecosystems everyone gets to live.

Think about the people in your life who seem to have it all together. Do they have the golden secret to life’s mastery, or is there more going on under the surface? Most of us work hard to keep our deepest struggles from showing. Everyone has something heavy going on, whether or not it’s visible. A common metaphor is the duck gliding across the water with webbed feet below the surface, paddling like mad yet invisible to observers. Another symbol is the oppressive weight of the backpack the kid carries through school, while teachers and classmates remain unaware of the home life trauma bearing down on him. Whatever the hidden narrative, there are three key ingredients to the recipe for staying well amidst the struggle.

An emerging awareness of the need for help usually begins long before the request. Perhaps there’s pride on the line for proving self-sufficiency. Maybe the benefit of a few failures hasn’t yet been realized. For some, the extra resources aren’t within reach. Either way, the request for help frequently escalates to a crisis state before it’s communicated.

Even if the idea germinates in your brain, it becomes jointly owned as soon as it’s exposed to feedback. The original form evolves. Often, this is how teams are built. We run something past a trusted family member, friend, or coworker and our perspective morphs to include their reaction. We seek a second opinion and the future becomes a ‘choose your own adventure’ book.

Change is coming. Always and forever. We don’t know what it will be. We never do, even though we often predict the future with some accuracy. Sometimes the change matches up with what we expect. Many times, it doesn’t. There’s a twist or a turn that is sparked by part of the equation that was in our blind spot or outside of our control. Either way, we have to cope.

The normal, healthy desire to try something new happens at predictable life stages. The most obvious are at the beginning and end of the career path when we’re either exploring or re-prioritizing. The threshold of midlife, however, isn’t driven by exploration or a shift in priorities. It’s more fueled by growth.

We tend to stumble over the same obstacles over and over again. Each stumble has its own features but is likely to follow a pattern unique to us. Maybe it’s the consequences of being chronically late or perhaps the impact of being obsessively on time. Maybe it’s the result of craving order when times are chaotic or perhaps what follows when your pile of clutter grows out of control. Whatever your private theme happens to be, the realization that it repeats offers you an opportunity for growth.

Employee engagement is a great example of a workplace culture feature we try to capture. There are many variables. In the end, retention tells the story. Unless they have normalized the dysfunction of a toxic workplace, most people use their current unsatisfactory workplace as a funding source for their job hunt. If you are disengaged, you are paid to sleepwalk through your job and your engagement energy is devoted to your next gig. Wouldn’t it be nice to know whether your team was in or out before the resignation letter?

Conflict, by nature, is uncomfortable. It’s difficult to see that it has a purpose when tension is mounting. Even if you knew that the friction had an instrumental role in pushing growth, the anticipated pain might not justify the benefit. It’s easier to find a way to make it go away and get back to familiarity. Growth hurts.