Collaboration and Communication

“Who would think THAT’S okay?” “When did THAT become acceptable?” “How could anyone possibly like THAT?” Technically, these are questions, but in actuality, they are statements. Each question is a judgment that anyone who thinks or acts differently than I do has it all wrong – because everyone is supposed to share the same opinions, like the same music, appreciate the same food, and make the same choices that I would make. Why would they not, after all?

Sometimes the voice in your head is louder than the voice entering your ears. The brain’s input is filtered and categorized so quickly that the chance for an unbiased reaction disappears. Imagine if you could lean in and step back at the same time. You could keep the big picture in focus while zooming in on the detail. The greater the stress of the situation, the harder it is to do both.

If you’re not listening, it’s not a dialogue. Truly active listening is hard to sustain. Unless your partner is compelling and aligned with your perspective, it’s easy to drift. Wherever you drift – judgement, critique, personal priorities, or simply planning what you are going to say next – the exchange has ceased to be a dialogue. You are trapped in your own head, and your partner is talking to the wind.

Her husband complains about not getting enough action in bed, yet offers little help with the kids or the housework. In the workplace, his employees are criticized for being under-engaged, yet he hasn’t taken the time to learn anything about their strengths and priorities. With friends, he only talks about himself, yet wonders why he wasn’t invited to be in the foursome at the charity golf outing. From his perspective, his wife, his coworkers, and his buddies are the problem. But they’re all trying to find a way to hold up a mirror so he can see what they see.

An emerging awareness of the need for help usually begins long before the request. Perhaps there’s pride on the line for proving self-sufficiency. Maybe the benefit of a few failures hasn’t yet been realized. For some, the extra resources aren’t within reach. Either way, the request for help frequently escalates to a crisis state before it’s communicated.

Even if the idea germinates in your brain, it becomes jointly owned as soon as it’s exposed to feedback. The original form evolves. Often, this is how teams are built. We run something past a trusted family member, friend, or coworker and our perspective morphs to include their reaction. We seek a second opinion and the future becomes a ‘choose your own adventure’ book.

Conflict, by nature, is uncomfortable. It’s difficult to see that it has a purpose when tension is mounting. Even if you knew that the friction had an instrumental role in pushing growth, the anticipated pain might not justify the benefit. It’s easier to find a way to make it go away and get back to familiarity. Growth hurts.

Unprecedented macroeconomic pressures are creating vulnerability in nearly every industry. Public health workers face rising patient acuity with fewer resources. Medical research must be advanced without funding. Education can no longer honor diversity without disabling consequences. Law firms opting not to capitulate to the party line are blacklisted. Retail sellers must decide whether to eat costs or pass them on to their customers. Working class immigrants fear deportation threats. Supply chain ports must prepare for shrinking volumes. Auto manufacturers need to rethink where to buy parts to assemble their cars. Venture capitalists and private equity firms are having trouble finding investors willing to bet on the future. The list goes on. No industry is immune.

It doesn’t take much of a physics lesson to understand how people share energy. Often, you can feel the vibe of a room within seconds of entering. Sometimes it’s just the space but, most of the time, it’s the people in the space. Emotions are contagious, positive or negative. You can lift or sink someone with a glance. And whether your energy-sharing partner is a friend or a stranger, you can be knocked off balance by imperceptible shifts in their mood.

If you are really going to make me add a 90-minute commute to my workday, I’ll have to work for an hour and a half less. Fine. As long as we’re not counting billable hours, I’ll exchange productivity for whatever benefits you decide result from water cooler conversation. Also fine. I’ll catch the bus, ride the elevator, park myself at my workstation, and wait for you to drop by my office with a creative idea that never would have happened if not face-to-face.

LinkedIn offered to rewrite my blog post using AI before I pressed the ‘publish’ key. While I declined, I wondered at what stage of the process I would cease to be the author of my own article. Presumably, the AI tool would make it more readable and likely reach more readers. A better blog could be achieved if I was willing to relinquish authorship. Beyond the philosophical debate around AI, it got me thinking about basic creativity and collaboration.

Those of us who keep bookmarks in more than one book are at risk for spending more time learning than we are actually applying the lessons to daily life. Many of the books I absorb and recommend to others (including the books I’ve authored) tell you what to do and why to do it. They don’t, however, activate change on their own. Insight and action are very different competencies.