Many believe that strength and power are synonymous. If controlling others is the way you define either or both, then they are the same. Angry people raised by angry parents communicating messages of fear and intimidation often see power as a way to earn love. Maybe I’ll finally be loved if I accomplish (fill in the blank).
They grow up striving to fill the love void by making a lot of money and buying fancy cars. Unfortunately, there isn’t a car or executive compensation package large enough to replace what’s missing. So, they seek more big stuff, identify themselves with other ‘successful’ aggressive men, and are at great risk of raising their children to repeat the generational pattern.
For these types, competition and winning takes priority over collaboration and partnership. Personal admiration and recognition mean everything. One-upping your neighbor equals beating the game. Yet, there’s a hole in the bucket. No matter how much gets poured in, it remains empty. As the Beatles reminded us of sixty years ago, “Can’t Buy Me Love.”
In this framework, fear and favoritism rules the leadership style that keeps employees in control and secures the misperception of power. The reason power is being misperceived is because no one beneath this kind of leader respects this kind of leader (except the angry offspring of the angry parents yearning to identify with the aggressor). True power requires respect.
Respect never arises from bullying. It is actually bestowed upon the brave soul who stands up to the bully. True power embodies a quiet and humble form of leadership. The calm, clear poise of a leader under pressure creates followers. There’s no control needed. They are following out of respect.
Whether you are choosing your future boss or deciding what kind of boss to be, it would be wise to be honest about your motive. If you are driven by the need to control others, your entourage will be made up of mirror-images of you, and you will be surrounded by loyal followers yearning for love they will never attain. You’ll get what you give.
If, on the other hand, you are driven by integrity, you will be joined by generous partners who soak you in as a role model. Cycles of succession will then eventually grant them their turn to carry your leadership lessons forward. You’ll get what you give.
