Most of our coping patterns were established much earlier in life that our current work environments. Under stress, we tend to rely on the adaptive maneuvers that have worked in the past. Most of these were forged in the first two decades of our lives.
In clinical circles, this is called transference and countertransference. When it’s transference, you are aware of the influence. When it’s countertransference, it’s happening unconsciously.
Simply, the more intimate the current interaction, the more likely it is to stir up patterns from the most significant people from our childhoods. When teammates respond to each other from these historical contexts, transference occurs. It’s usually unnoticeable since your boss doesn’t know he reminds you of your father.
Countertransference, however, happens outside of awareness. These interactions are usually called dysfunctional. When someone’s reaction to a teammate is driven by unresolved conflict with people in the past, it’s likely to cause discomfort in the workplace. Your teammate has no way of understanding that your emotions are rooted in a relationship from your past. You aren’t much help in clarifying your reaction since you’re not even aware of where it’s coming from.
Most of us don’t think about the historical context for our own coping style (let alone what might be motivating a teammate). Usually, you just know which teammates are easy to get along with and which ones are difficult. Some teammates fuel your energy and others drain you. Some exchanges are high maintenance while others are effortless.
Bring your team dynamics into the present. The workplace is not a psychotherapy office. Workplace wellness mean you know the difference between healthy and unhealthy interactions. Stress doesn’t come with permission for teammates to act like children.